gracegirl

Why do I write?

Why do I seek transparency?

There are so many answers to these two questions.  

But at the heart of it, it's quite simple: 

 

Transparency scares me.

 

Revealing who I really am... to anybody, even those closest to me... strikes fear in my heart.

 

I fear being rejected and found 'wanting'... not 'enough'.

 

Perhaps being transparent is my way of seeking to control that fear.

Once people know who you are, some are free to reject and walk away. 

But there are some that choose to stay.

They are worth the vulnerability I choose to show.

 

More...

 

I have always loved to encourage. 

I want people to know... truly know that Jesus is alive and that miracles happen around us every day.

That His grace can redeem anyone.

Regardless.

If my life and my story can encourage even just one person... just one...

 

Then this would all be worth it.

 

Because at times life has thrown me some interesting curve balls... You see...

 

I have known the acid sting of words meant to mock... meant to hurt and break down.

I have known 'not being good enough'... because I was different... because I wasn't pretty by the worlds' standard.

I have known loneliness so desperate that it would smother me.

I know the fear and shame of growing up in a home marred by alcoholism... domestic violence... emotional abuse... mental illness.

I have known religion forced upon me... I have struggled with deep feelings that border on resentment toward religiosity ever since.

I know the tantalising lies of the darkness... I know being in the midst of a spiritual battle so fierce... so dark and so intense that the only word that could escape my lips was "Jesus..."

I now know that THAT word... His Name... Jesus?

It's ENOUGH.

 

I know the choke-hold of an addiction to appetite suppressants.

I have fought the chains of Bulimia in my desperate attempts to 'look good enough... thin enough'...

All of this just to be accepted.

For someone to say... you are okay. 

Just as you are.

I know how it feels to look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see... self-loathing... disgust at myself for falling in the battle yet again.

 

I know what it is like to have a doctor look me in the eye and tell me "You have 3 months to live..."  and that 2 days before my Wedding day...

 

I know the quiet sterility of a Bone Marrow Transplant Unit.

I know pain.

Pain that would suck the very life out of you.

Intimately.

I know fear.  I know chemotherapy.  I know 2 years of treatments... blood tests... the quiet within as I wait for a sign of improvement.

BUT...

I know the joys and fears of Remission Anniversaries.

Joy!

 

I know the devastation every month as a pregnancy test reveals that mocking one-liner... "No... not this month...."

For 10 years I waited to feel life in my belly... and when life finally came?  It was good.

 

I know the world-spinning spiral of  a father's death due to a mother's pull of a trigger during yet another violent outburst.

 

I know the numbness of a private life thrown into an ever-hungry public eye as a toxic swirl of court cases chase all semblance of privacy away.

I know the loss of a dream... the ache in a heart so intense my very tissues would rupture from the disappointment.

 

I know being judged and found wanting.

Not enough. Never enough.

 

I know the chilling fear of parenting a sick baby.

 

I have danced with the spectre of postnatal depression.

 

I have sat across a table with tears pouring down my face as a doctor confirms

 

"Your son has Autism..."

 

Laying down dreams.

 

And dreaming new ones.

... the change of course... a new route... a new life... to fight that which would steal my son.

 

I know pain.

I know fear.

And I know bargaining with God.

 

Oh my.... do I know bargaining.

Promises... if only...?

 

Dear God... If only...

 

But... I also know the love of beautiful friends.

 

I also know the commitment and desperate love of a man who refused to give up on me.

 

I am convinced that I am married to a super-hero.

 

Really.  He is that good and honourable a man.

 

A man who married his bride even though he had no guarantee that she would live... no promise that she would be with him for longer than 3 months.

 

I have known the Truth of God's Word... His Truth as I stood upon those promises and claimed my healing...

I have felt His power heal... heal... heal...

 

And restore.

 

All that was taken and ripped and stolen.

 

Because that is what Jesus does.

 

Redeems.

 

Restores.

 

I have treasure in my life... treasure that is more precious than any gold or silver.

I have known adventure... I live blessing... I live Grace.

I know the incredible gift of carrying a boy-child in my womb after others said it would never happen... BUT God.

I know the beauty of milestones... carved out by that boy-child...

Because he simply WILL NOT GIVE UP... regardless of what medicine says.

 

I see courage and backbone and a Lion-heart in a little boy as we walk a journey that reminds me of the Grace of Jesus.

 

Every single day.

 

I know the Redemption and Restoration of a Saviour  Who is so fiercely in love with me... that it blows my mind away.

A Jesus who chooses ME every day... Regardless of the stink of my sin.

 

I know Victory and Freedom over chains and shackles that were designed before I even came to be...to cut life off... BUT God!

 

Grace.